by Lisa Frydman
Sally Maybrook walks into a Northbrook Starbucks. She looks great. Stylish cut, sparkle in her hazel eyes, killer smile. "I made notes," Maybrook said, her voice bouncy. "There are so many things I want to share about my experience."
Maybrook, a concierge and volunteer for the Chicago Literacy Society, has been divorced more than a decade, deciding at age 50-- after 31 years of marriage, two grown boys, an entire lifetime of coupledom -- that her marriage was over. She wanted a new lease on life: passion, romance, freedom. "I love life right now. I'm afraid to even say it -- it's taken awhile, but I like where I am, who I am," Maybrook says, adding with a wink, "And to answer your next question -- no, there isn't a man in my life. Look, I thought I would jump into romance, but then I realized the first person I had to fall in love with was me."
More women like Maybrook are calling it quits, according to the American Association of Retired Persons, an advocacy group for Americans 50 and up. An AARP survey shows that 66 percent of women polled asked for a divorce, compared with 41 percent of men. Women in this age group welcome "a new identity," particularly at the "empty nest" stage of their lives.
"It used to be once you reached 50, your life was almost over. Now women, especially in their 50s, look good, feel good, and menopause is not the threat it used to be," says Judith S. Wallerstein, Ph.D, renowned for The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, a 25-year landmark study, and What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During and After Divorce. "They say to themselves, 'Empty nesting is for the birds. What can I do now that the kids are grown?"
"These women are starting careers, going back to school, taking courses, working out at the gym, while their husbands are thinking, 'Hey I'm 10 to 15 years away from retirement.' The couple is at a completely different mind-set. This is the point where a marriage can fall apart or be jump-started.
"If a marriage is in a rut, and the wife comes home excited by the new courses she's taking, the new people she's meeting, and her husband doesn't support her, or worse, becomes competitive, it can be very damaging," Wallerstein says. "He's on a plateau and she's on the rise. This can be a very difficult adjustment for a man whose wife is no longer giving his career priority. "My advice to men is if you want the marriage to stay in good shape -- stay with her, hold her hand and appreciate her changes. Share in the excitement."
Alice Solomon, author of Find the Love of Your Life After 50!, says, "I tell women who are married that it's not so easy out there. It can be embarrassing, devastating and you face lots of rejection, and you may find yourself in competition with women who are more talented, intelligent, crafty and more motivated than you are. If you can make your marriage work, choose that route.
"Once you're out there, the first thing I tell women is to get rid of their 'Seeking Mr. Perfect' list. Weed the list down to the top three to five needs you must have as opposed to the 49 wants.
"Maybrook agrees. "It's all a process. Someone considering a divorce should not jump ahead. It's essential to go through the stages involved, especially letting go of who you once were as a wife, as a couple," she says. "First comes the shock that you really took that step out of your marriage, then confusion sets in, as well as an innocence -- childlike fantasies of single life. Finally reality hits -- you ask, 'What can I offer the world at this stage of my life, and how can I go forward, or am I going to remain stagnant?' Never ever stand still. If you want to find someone interesting, get out there and make yourself interesting first.
"What about dating and sex?
"The rules of the game don't change," says Alice Solomon, author of Find the Love of Your Life After 50! "Women who are newly single give off a renewed vitality vibe. A woman should not be intimate with a fellow until she knows him well -- dating consistently for at least two to three months. It's not a matter of 'he won't respect me.' But if you give it away too freely, you'll end up giving up too much of yourself too soon. If you're looking for 'sport sex' -- don't expect too much from the fellow when it comes to serious issues.
"What about the kids?
While you're exploring singleton status, don't dump your problems on your children, who although grown, may be experiencing the pain and devastation of the divorce, too, the experts say.
Author Judith S. Wallerstein, Ph.D, says adult kids unfortunately become a captive audience for their parents."Don't make them take care of you, or ask their advice in terms of dating again," she advises. "It can be a terrible burden on a young person's new marriage. Your child will ask herself, 'If my parents couldn't keep it together, how can I?' "
What about friends?
Sally Maybrook, divorced for more than a decade, stresses that cultivating new friendships is key to making it "out there." "Women who get divorced at an older age immediately want to find The One who will make her feel alive again. The hardest thing about getting divorced is accepting reality," Maybrook says. "Yes, you are older. The dating pool is a lot smaller. Making new female friends is just as important, or more so, than finding male companionship." |
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