by Roxanne Hawn
Kathy and Jackson Hertogs, both 52, met in the fourth grade. He delivered her first kiss behind a carport near Stonestown in San Francisco in the sixth grade, then, her family moved away. Life went on.
Through marriage, children and divorce, she always wondered what happened to him. He never married, but always told people about "this girl from elementary school" when they asked about his first love.
One day while clicking around on Classmates.com, she noticed the grammar school link and went fishing for that boy from so long ago. "When I saw his name, I got out my credit card to pay so that I could e-mail him," she says of that February day in 2002.
He responded the next day. "It was just such a great feeling, when I got her first e-mail, asking if I knew who she was," he says.
Soon, e-mails became phone calls. Phone calls became visits between Colorado and California. They married Nov. 23, 2003, and now live in Colorado Springs.
"Everyone thought I was crazy," she explains. "They couldn't understand how something like this could happen so fast. He was actually my first love, and I never forgot about him."
"I think our relationship is fairly effortless," Jackson adds. "Being more mature and older and settled, I think it takes away the stress that younger people feel.
"The Hertogs are not alone. Many people look for love later in life by trolling their past for potential mates. According to Classmates.com, 46 percent of its users over age 45 claim to have used the Internet to look up or reconnect with an old boyfriend or girlfriend. The site doesn't know how many successfully rekindle lost loves, but the potential keeps at least some people clicking.
That's not the only way, however, that people 40, 50 or older search for love online. Currently, Cupid.com reports nearly 22 percent of its users are 45-54 years old. Another 17 percent are 55 and ove.
Users of new player AnimalAttraction.com, which caters to single pet lovers, skew older than average for online daters.
Other sites like SeniorFriendFinder.com, however, dominate the 55-and-over market, with 75 percent of its users falling in this age bracket.
Yet, between 2004 and 2005, the number of online daters 55 and over dropped 38 percent. Older people who date, especially women, may give up too soon, says Alice Solomon, founder of GorgeousGrandmas.com and author of "Find the Love of Your Life After 50!" (2004, Writers' Collective). "They have not had success in finding someone when they were initially alone," explains Solomon, who is based in Florida and often teaches courses on cruise ships.
"Once they got over the shock of divorce or widowhood and moved out into the world, they tried a singles club or had been fixed up, and it didn't work out. They get discouraged very easily. My role is to encourage them to try again."
One way to reinvigorate the search, Solomon adds, is to shorten your list of must-haves. "In order to find that someone very special, you have to change your priorities," she says.
Instead of 40 or more characteristics, choose just a handful - two, three or four most important things. For example, sharing the same religious faith might be No.1. If golf is a huge part of your happiness, then finding a golfer might make the list. If you lost your spouse to lung cancer, then a life-long nonsmoker might hold a higher ranking.
"They have to stop being narrow-minded. After 25 years or more of marriage, you have all these hang-ups and opinions about things," Solomon says. "You have to get rid of that stuff. There are a wide variety of men out there. You need to be open to different ideas and different lifestyles.
"Attending cultural events, taking courses and taking group trips are all ways to break out of your immediate circle, including long-held married friends. After all, Solomon adds, they know only married people.
Patsy Stagner swears by Internet dating as the best way for anyone to meet as many people as possible. The author of "Baby Boomer Bachelorette: How to Have Sex at Least Once More Before You Die" (2004, JPS Publications) calls on women, and men, to "break out of the mold, reject the status quo and rebel against anyone or anything that wants to make you old.”
Stagner believes the focus of Internet dating, not ancillary activities, makes it better than other hit-and-miss strategies. "If you want to learn to scuba dive, learn to scuba dive, but don't do it to meet men," Stagner says, "The odds are just not in your favor. Why spend all your time trying to do things just to meet men (or women) when you can go on the Internet and meet them immediately, as well as know if they like the same things you like. All those other activities are just a waste of time, unless it is something you really want to learn how to do."
Lisa Daily, syndicated dating columnist, relationship coach and author of "Stop Getting Dumped!" (2002, Putnam), adds quick dating to the list of good options for daters over 50. By meeting a dozen or more people at one event, those back on the dating scene can refresh conversation skills, gain confidence and meet new people.
Solomon, Stagner and Daily all agree that it's best to be cautious when taking any online or quick match to a real first date."
People tend to be trusting of people they meet online," Daily explains. "When you take the relationship off-line, this person really is a stranger. They may have been honest with you. They may not."
Daily also warns of heading to any early dates with an agenda. "Don't start your second date by saying, 'I want to get married again,"' she says. "You're going to scare a lot of people off. Generally, the topic comes up naturally in three or four months of dating."
Solomon tells women to put off sexual intimacy as well. "The same rules apply as when we were kids," she says. "If you go to bed too soon, he'll dump you or just use you for sex. His emotional level stops the moment you start a physical relationship."
Daily recommends watching for signs that a relationship is not going to blossom or that it is waning. Simple gestures, she says, speak volumes. People who like each other line up their bodies - toe to toe, heart to heart, face to face.
"There's trouble if his or her feet are pointing toward the crowd at dinner, rather than pointing toward the date," she explains. Another tip is to watch for hugs combined with a back pat. "That's a sign of discomfort," Daily says. "At the very beginning of a relationship, it means the person is not quite ready for that level of personal contact, and they don't want to put you off entirely. But, if you've been dating three months, or six months, or a year, and all of a sudden you start getting the back pat, that's a sign of a relationship in trouble.
More Dating Tips
Get out and meet people. As dating guru Lisa Daily puts it, "The only person you're going to meet sitting on the couch is the cable guy." Forget the bar scene, grabbing a lite beer with 20- and 30-somethings. There are plenty of more sophisticated places to gather such as golf clubs, sporting events, bookstores, coffee houses and cultural events.
Think positively. "The odds are good, for anyone," Daily adds, "if you believe there is someone out there for you and you get out there and meet people."
Enjoy casual dating. This does not mean casual sex. Older daters tend to just date one person at a time. Daily says, casually dating more than one person is fine as long as sex is not involved.
Pace your online replies. Alice Solomon, author of Find the Love of Your Life After 50, tells online daters to wait 24 hours before responding to a first e-mail contact and a few hours or more to ongoing e-mail exchanges. She says to never answer e-mail on Fridays or Saturdays after 5 p.m.
Be safe. Solomon suggests giving out your cell phone number rather than your home phone number. She also warns that HIV and venereal diseases are an issue at any age, so protect yourself. At the same time, Solomon adds, "We're free to determine our own standard of respectable sexual behavior, not our mothers."
Manage your money, but don't be paranoid. Solomon explains that protecting your assets is important, but she worries that pressure from financial planners and children can scare people too much into assuming anyone who shows interest is only after the money.
Have one good friend who supports your dating efforts. Younger people call this person a "wingman." "It's really important to have a buddy to encourage you to continue," explains Solomon, adding "it's all in how you handle those little, but still important, disappointments."
Avoid the pot-roast brigade. Some people swoop in on the newly divorced or newly widowed with food, comfort and offers of companionship. Often this leads to a quick re-marriage, Solomon says. The problem, however, is that their hearts are not really available for a new love, which can lead to another breakup.
Move on if exclusivity doesn't surface soon. If either person doesn't ask for or need exclusivity after three or four months, then Solomon says, "forget it and move on."
Be wary of married friends, even those you know well. Loneliness can make people vulnerable to philanderers of both genders. "You're better off alone," Solomon says. |
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