by Judy Stanford
Dating after the age of 50 has pitfalls, rewards. Dione Vice Bacon knew exactly what she was looking for in a man when she started dating again.
“I said, ‘I want a widower who was madly in love with his wife, who will take the risk to love again and marry again. Someone who will appreciate me, someone who is financially stable, who can make me laugh.
”Making a list is a good strategy for older women and men who find themselves, through divorce or the death of a spouse, suddenly dating again, say the experts.
“It’s OK to ask for what you want in a man,” said licensed clinical social worker Connie Konikoff. “Its not shallow to make a list of what you want."
I advise people to make three columns. In the first is ‘What I must have;’ in the second is ‘What I won’t have;’ in the third is ‘What I want.’ ”The first two are non-negotiable, Konikoff said.
Making her list worked for 55-year-old Vice Bacon, until recently a program specialist for the Louisiana Department of Health and Hospitals and a licensed professional counselor, who has been a widow for seven years. She traveled to Portland, Ore., in 2001 for a friend’s wedding. That’s where she met Don Bacon.
They carried on a long-distance relationship and were married May 17. Several days ago, Vice Bacon moved to Tilamook, Ore. with her husband.
Dating after 50, in some ways, is no different from dating at a younger age. “It was exciting,” said Vice Bacon, who dated several men before meeting her husband. “It was complimentary — almost the same as when you’re in high school or college, again. I enjoyed going out with each man I went out with.” Maturity and experience can be an advantage to those in the singles scene, Konikoff said.
“People who have been married before know their partner can’t be some kind of mirror image of themselves.
”Being realistic about a potential partner is also an advantage of age. “I take people at face value, now, Konikoff said. “If someone says, ‘I don’t want to get married again,’ I take it at face value. When you’re younger, you think, ‘I can change them.’ You learn to recognize red flags.”
There is also a downside to dating after the age of 50.. “When people are younger, they don’t have the same baggage as older people,” Konikoff said. “They may have dated someone for two years and leave them. Its not the same as being married to someone for 20 years and have them leave you or have them die.”
There are also often children to consider. While younger singles may have small children, mature singles usually have adult children who may be critical of the people their parents date.
“Adult children are often worried about the estate, but underneath, they’re also worried about the safety of the parent. They don’t want to see the parent being used,” Konikoff said.There is the issue of age, itself.
“The thought of dating again can be scary and confusing,” said Alice Solomon, a former syndicated advice columnist, from her Delray Beach, Fla., home. “Being rejected makes it even worse. Let’s face it; we have wrinkles. We’ve put on weight. Some of us are shy. It’s not easy to anticipate a new relationship and perhaps a breakup.”
Solomon is also the author of several self-help books for older women. The latest, “Finding the Love of Your Life After 50,” will be released in September.
“And then, there’s sex,” Solomon said.”For most of us, it’s tough, getting into bed with a stranger. Even if it’s a former sweetheart, someone you’ve known for 30 years, he’s still a stranger to your body.”
It’s an issue that can’t be avoided, Vice Bacon said. “In dating, you can’t date for just companionship and friendship. It leads to sex. You have to choose what you want.”
There’s also the issue of safe sex, Konikoff said. “You have to deal with HIV. The over-50 group is the fastest growing population. They don’t have the highest numbers, but it is the highest-increasing segment.” The decision whether to become sexually active has become more complicated than it once was.
“I realized I was bringing home information from Acadiana CARES,” Vice Bacon said. “It was so totally different from when I first got married when I was 21. If I chose to be sexually active, I would have to deal with all the issues my children deal with.”
People should base all their dating decisions on their own needs, Konikoff said. And they shouldn’t settle for less than their heart’s desire.
“Women are famous for settling,” she said. “It should be more about being very clear and having a serious intention. Hold out for what the heart longs for.”
Tips for dating after 50:
* Try to make new friends. Don’t forget your past or old friends, but make new friends who suit your current single lifestyle.
* Ask for support when you’re feeling insecure or lonely. Call friends, family or clergy when you need encouragement.
* Take small steps to avoid being fearful. Each morning, think of new ways to move forward.
* Recognize areas of your life over which you have control. Find things you can make decisions about, such as starting a diet, taking a trip or changing your hair color. It enables you to gain confidence and gain control over other areas of life.
Putting your best foot forward
* If you’ve let your appearance slide, pay attention to your skin.
* Make sure your makeup is contemporary. Don’t do it the way you were doing it in college. Avoid heavy makeup, dark lipstick and black eyeliner.
* Dress in a contemporary manner.
* Update your hairstyle. Mature women usually look better in shorter styles.
* Maintain a regular exercise program.
* Don’t wear too much jewelry.
* Don’t use strong perfume.
Source: Alice Solomon, author of “Advice From Gorgeous Grandmas” and “Finding the Love of Your Life After 50.”
©The Lafayette Daily Advertiser
June 10, 2003 On the web |
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