by JoAnna Broder, Staff Writer
Singles over the age of 50 need to know: The rules of dating have changed since they were in their 20s. Mature singles need to be a little more liberal, a little bit less picky about who they choose to date, said Alice Solomon, author of Find the Love of Your Life After 50!
"If somebody's over 50, they grew up with, you know, boys ask girls out and this is the way it's done," said life coach Sandee Abern, of Buffalo Grove.
"And so it's a culture thing, too, because all of a sudden they have to do everything different than what they did before."
Mature singles need to be a little bit more liberal, a little bit less picky about who they choose to date, said Alice Solomon, author of Find the Love of Your Life Over 50!
Solomon, who divorced at age 46, has been happily living with her partner, Dan, a business consultant, for the past 11 years in Delray Beach, Fla. But her relationship with Dan almost did not happen when she initially dismissed him for minor things, she said.
Get real
Try to look for Mr. or Ms. Wonderful and not Mr. or Ms. Perfect, Solomon advised. When Solomon went on her first few dates with Dan, she told him that she could not continue seeing him because he had bad manners. But Dan kept calling and calling, begging for a second chance to change.
Solomon agreed, and on their next date, he brought flowers and held all the doors open for her.
"So that's an example of giving a guy, maybe not only just a second chance," Solomon said, but "third and fourth chances because you never know... These fellows, when they're older, get into certain habits."
Another mature, single-man's quirk? Letting the lady pick up a portion of the tab, said 58-year-old Peggy McGuin, of Northfield. "Nowadays if you get a guy to pay for one complete evening on a first date you're batting a thousand," she said. McGuin accepts going Dutch; she just prefers men to be upfront about it.
If you are with someone who wants to split the bill, do it unless it really bothers you, Abern advised.
Looks matter
Solomon advises women to place a premium on their appearance because men are visual. Abern, on the other hand, focuses on nurturing one's sense of self worth. After a divorce, a person's self esteem "is not on the floor, it's under the carpet," she said. Among her other clients, she coaches mature singles, and often ends up focusing on relationships. It usually takes two years for a divorced person to get back on his or her feet again emotionally, Abern said. She advises recently divorced men and women to date, but to hold off on serious relationships until their self esteem is restored.
Be assertive
When they are ready, though, mature singles need to be bold, Solomon said. Abern agreed, suggesting that the best way to meet new people is to let everybody know that you are single and looking. Often, singles over age 50 feel a stigma from being divorced, Abern said, even though their under-50-counterparts know that one of every two first marriages ends in divorce.
"By saying you're divorced, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or that you're damaged," Abern said.
To affirm that sentiment, do not turn to married friends for support, Solomon advised. They simply do not understand how lonely it is to come home to an empty house night after night. Instead, singles should read books about finding and maintaining relationships, she suggested. Solomon maintains a list of such books on her Web site GorgeousGrandma.com
Get out there
"You know you can't just sit home and vegetate. If you're really sincere and interested, get out there and meet people," said 70-year-old Chuck Winter, a single in Libertyville.
After her own divorce, Solomon found the loneliness she experienced overwhelming until she discovered "that it was simply a state of mind and not a state of being." She forced herself to get out into the world and do things to meet people. "Once I got the loneliness out of my head and got out into the world, I wasn't as lonely," she said.
It is also important to take the pressure off oneself by not thinking about dating as dating, but rather as meeting new friends, Abern said.
Remember to take your time finding a mate, advised Galen Buckwalter, vice president of research and development for eHarmony.com. "There's no rush in finding someone that's going to be someone that's perfect for you."
Get connected
The Internet opens up all sorts of dating options for singles, Abern said. One of her clients recently married a man she had initially met online. He lived a mile away from her, but they never would have met otherwise because their paths did not cross, Abern said. "The Internet's out there and why not use it?
"Do you meet people on there that are scary? Yes. But do you sometimes have a blind date who's scary? Yes. You know life is scary. You just have to ...watch for red flags."
Abern suggests that singles be careful on dates, and always take their own cars and their own money. Meet a first date in a public place like Starbucks and afterward, "drive around a little so no one follows you home," she advised.
Say no
It is OK to refuse a date with a potential suitor, Abern said. Widowed a year ago, Sandi Cowen, 61, from Morton Grove, said she feels uncomfortable when she receives calls from a new suitor because she does not know how to tell him that she is not interested.
"If somebody asks you out (and) you don't want to go, you don't have to feel guilty and feel that you have to go," Abern said. "And that's the mindset of a lot of people in this age group, 'Well, if I say no then I may be hurting his feelings.' So what? If you don't want to go, you don't go," she said.
And if you don't want to, well, go all the way, don't do that either.
Since her divorce eight years ago, McGuin has found that her suitors push for sex much more quickly than their 20-something counterparts she remembers dating prior to getting married at 24.
One public official she dated pushed her for sex after three dates. She told him she would rather take her time to get to know him first.
"I've been hit with it so often, you kind of expect it," she said. "And so now I know how to answer it better and how to deal with it better.
Abern said that she hopes singles realize that being sexually active exposes them to risks. "Make sure you are smart about it," she said. "Be intimate when the time is right."
Take stock
Finally, mature singles should take stock of their lives, whether they have found another love or not, Solomon said.When at a low point, Solomon suggests mature singles take a piece of paper, put a line down the middle and list all the positives and negatives about their lives.More often than not, they will find "that they have much more good in their life than they have bad in their life."
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